Cleaning out my inbox: Humerous Complaints

I have a Hotmail (now Windows Live Mail) account for a little over half a decade, and have amassed nearly 700 emails – this is coming from someone whose digital assets are usually impeccably organized.

Whilst searching for a satirical forward, I discovered an email listing alleged extracts from genuine letters of complaint to UK county councils during the year of 2002.

• My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
• … and he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
• … it’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
• I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
• I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
• … and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
• I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
• My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
• I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
• Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife and I fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
• We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
• I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen …50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
• I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
• Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
• Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
• Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age Pensioner and need it badly.
• I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
• The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
• Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
• I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
• Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
• I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
• This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2